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While You Were Paying More Attention To The Personal Flotation Device Instructions

• Jackass turned dumbass Johnny Knoxville was caught at airport security with a grenade. He may manage to avoid criminal charges since the grenade turned out to be a bigger dud than his acting career.
• NBC has already renewed The Office and 30 Rock for another season each. As far as I’m concerned, everything else on the network can be cancelled.
• DeShawn of The Real Housewives of Atlanta claims she has been dropped from the show for being too nice, but I suspect the real problem is that she was tardy to one too many parties.
• Lily Allen showed a reporter her third nipple, proving that there are exceptions to the “sex sells” rule.
• Jennifer Aniston’s midlife crisis, John Mayer, is wrapping up negotiations with CBS to star in a musical variety show, a format that recently proved successful when Rosie O’Donnell’s similar attempt wasn’t cancelled until midway through the live broadcast.

The Four Worst Robot Stereotypes

It’s 2009.  By this point, most people are aware of the idiocy involved in making generalizations about specific ethnicities, genders, ages, and sexual orientations... but what about toward robots?

Robots are stereotyped more than anybody. And, if I do say so myself, that's bogus. Robots are people animatronics fashioned to look like people, too. Just because they don't have true emotions doesn't give others the right to make ignorant comments that would otherwise hurt their non-existent feelings.

Myth 1: Ro-bots-talk-in-a-fun-ny-man-ner.
Fact 1: Robots speak in many different ways, depending on their programming.

The forward-thinking amongst us probably have judged someone for performing bigoted impressions of an Indian convenient store owner or a lispy homosexual. Why should it be any different with robots? Robots can be remarkably articulate, yet they're often depicted as beings with no sense of syntax, as if they put punctuation between each syllable. Contrary to the offensive impressions, robots can speak with affect.

Myth 2: Robots dance in a stilted fashion.
Fact 2: Robots can get as funky as the rest of us.

As a white guy, I can relate to this myth, since others have made assumptions about how poorly I must dance. That hurts and obliges me to wiggle my booty to excess in order to prove my skills. In this fashion, robots have it even worse. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've been to a party where someone whips out a supposed imitation of a robot dancing as some sort of party trick. These "jokesters" are downright demeaning as they awkwardly move one stiff limb at a time, showing no mobility below the waist. I suspect that people who resort to pulling this crap are poor dancers themselves, trying to mask this fact by passing the buck to an easy, unfair target.

Myth 3: Robots are taking our jobs.
Fact 3: Robots are a productive part of society that fill positions that most humans would not want.

Granted, there has been a remarkable jump in the amount of robots in our workforce, yet this flux is a sign of economic prosperity, not devastation. In most cases, robots do not take employment away from pre-existing members of society, but instead accept menial positions as industries expand. Though many are quick to finger robots during our current economic setback, statistically, robots are still unemployed at higher rates than most Americans, as well as hold less significant positions: only two of the Fortune 500 companies' CEOs are robots. Robots have dreams and want to support their families just like anyone. Plus, if it weren't for robots filling our service positions, we'd probably have to deal with immigrants.

Myth 4: Robots are hell-bent on annihilating the human race.
Fact 4: Some robots are apathetic to Homo sapien extermination.

While it is only fair to acknowledge that most robots are actively devising the downfall of mankind, there is a vocal minority of robots who are friendly toward humans. It's rather close-minded to assume the worst and lock your car doors while driving through a part of town with a significant robot population; not every robot's motherboard craves global domination. Heck, some of my best friends are robots, and they swear they love doing my chores and that they would never seek revenge. To be candid, I'm preparing for the cyborg apocalypse as much as anyone, but if we allow ourselves to fall into a mentality of "they're all out to get us," it's as if the evil robots have already won.

I hope this serves as a lesson to us all. I urge you, don't tolerate hatred toward robots on the part of your friends and coworkers; it may be a socially acceptable practice, but that doesn't make it right. The next time you meet a robot, demonstrate your acceptance of it as an individual, not a stereotype. Be sure to speak normally with it, compliment its work ethic, extend an offer of unreserved friendship, and perhaps even invite it to join you for a night of dancing.

I Despise the Duggars

In spite of myself, I’ve been catching up with 17 Kids and Counting, TLC's worst multiple birth freak show since Jon & Kate Plus 8.  The program follows the Duggar family and they’re f***ers. Literally. How else do you give birth to eighteen kids? That’s right, eighteen kids, with the most recent baby being born just a month ago and featured on a televised special. The new kid's name is Jordyn: a “J” to match the first initial of each of her siblings, and a “y” to remind us that her parents are uneducated.

Sigh. Someone needs to tell them that sex is not a vacation: you don’t need a souvenir to prove you’ve been there each time.

Frankly, this repeated reproduction disgusts me. I genuinely believe that being that procreative is a crime against humanity. As I see it, the Duggar parents are some of the world’s worst offenders, right up there with Hitler. At least Hitler can’t be accused of contributing to the overpopulation crisis. Overpopulation is a legitimate global threat; when the media annually touts this married couple as “heroes” and “saints,” it glorifies irresponsible behavior and sends the wrong kind of message.

That’s not my only gripe, though. It’s just so vain. How conceited must you be to think your genes are worthy of being replicated nearly twenty times? Brad and Angelina have some terrific genes and a strong desire to parent, but even they have the decency to adopt most of their kids.

While I’ll buy that it’s possible for the parents to “love” all of the children, you can’t convince me that they receive all of the attention or direct nurturing that kids should be afforded. It is impossible to adequately care for that many children simultaneously. If this were a group home or orphan care center, it would be shut down for being understaffed.  What’s woefully overstaffed is Mrs. Duggar’s vagina. 

This last Duggar pregnancy required a C-section, which must be nature’s way of saying “Enough!” Apparently, the baby was turned sideways, but I have difficulty believing that her undoubtedly stretched vagina couldn’t slip that sucker out in spite of it all.

Will the couple stop? Nope! They are quoted as saying they are looking forward to having more. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if she were pregnant again already. There’s no better place than a hospital bed to get frisky. Plus, I imagine placenta makes a great natural lube.

Oh, and of course these kids are home-schooled. Why have just a couple of dumb kids when you can burden society with a dozen and a half of them? What happens when the siblings’ teacher is perpetually on maternity leave? I suppose every day can be part of summer break when you don’t even know what the seasons are. On the show, the family takes a field trip to an Intelligent Design museum, featuring an exhibit in which humans and dinosaurs peacefully coexist. I realize that evolution may have failed the Duggar family, but that’s no reason to discredit it altogether.

The Duggars are a rare breed of media whore. They’ve fallen into this unfortunate cycle (menstrual?) in which they are only relevant as long as their family expands; to maintain their position in the limelight, they must keep having kids. Think of all those one-note celebrities (Gary Coleman, Paris Hilton, etc.) who must perform their same shtick to be granted attention. Generally these individuals turn to drugs; Mrs. Duggan might be the first such “star” to have an addiction to epidurals.

What’s worse is the Duggars would never recognize that they are fame-seekers because they believe that they are on a mission from God. As they see it, God blesses them with children so that they have a platform from which to spread the Gospel. Browse their website and you’ll find that there’s nothing subtle about their proselytizing. I do owe the Duggars some credit, as they have reawakened my faith. I’m praying again… praying for menopause.

Though our opinions clearly differ greatly, I do share one viewpoint with this hyper-Christian family: I’m not pro-choice… I think abortions should be mandatory.

My Five Favorite Infomercials

Contemporary inventors have it rough. Not only have most of the best ideas already been taken, but any products they do manage to develop are immediately regulated to late night television infomercials. Each of these ads starts with a preposterous scenario in which someone struggles at an everyday task that any normal, functioning person would never have a problem with, and the commercial does its best to convince you that you, too, are crippled by this mild inconvenience. I might never buy the products, but I love the pitches. Here are my five favorite infomercials:

5. The Clever Clasp

(note: this video plays twice in a row)

Who is it for? People who struggle to put on jewelry.
Why do I love it? The narrator subtly suggesting that overweight women can’t reach behind their own necks.
Why am I skeptical? Adding magnets to your expensive jewelry doesn’t seem like the classiest move. Plus, if the magnets are as strong as the ad suggests, it could become a choking hazard if you got too close to a refrigerator.

4. Listen Up


Who is it for? Elderly people who have never been introduced to a hearing aid.
Why do I love it? Evidently, strangers constantly talk about how sexy you are, and now you’ll finally have a chance to hear it.
Why am I skeptical? If your wife is regularly screaming at you, would you really want that noise amplified? I’d rather give up hearing altogether.

3. The Snuggie


Who is it for? Satanists incapable of using a blanket.
Why do I love it? The lack of shame people have toward wearing blankets in public. The mother who is so cold she wears a Snuggie, yet leaves her baby un-Snuggied and exposed to the elements.
Why am I skeptical? I thought I found one in my closet, but it turned out I had just put my bathrobe on backwards.

2. Tiddy Bear


Who is it for? Brittle people who can’t handle wearing a seat belt.
Why do I love it? It’s called what?! Ah, T-I-D-D-Y, thanks for spelling that for me. This bear miraculously relieves seat belt pressure on any part of your body. Rest it against your shoulder – or atop your tiddies.
Why am I skeptical? A bead-filled bear pressed against your body doesn’t sound any more comfortable than the alternative. Also, I suspect that driving around with a stuffed animal on your chest leaves you that much more susceptible to being pulled over for a DUI.

1. My Lil’ Reminder


Who is it for? Forgetful, illiterate people who can’t use a pen and paper.
Why do I love it? The acting in this ad is especially superb. I think I once saw the lady who flatly delivers the opening line, “Where did I park my car? Oh no.” on Broadway.
Why am I skeptical? Though a technological upgrade for the post-it note is a godsend, what do I do when I forget where I put my My Lil’ Reminder? Perhaps that’s why they send you a second one for free, so one can be used to keep tabs on the location of the other.

I can only imagine if the wheel were invented today what ridiculous marketing campaign would result. Each wheel comes with free fire to read cave drawings at night.

Porn Industry Takes a Blow

It seems that the economy is screwing everyone these days… except for porn stars. Now that hard times have penetrated America’s adult entertainment industry, Girls Gone Wild’s Joe Francis and Hustler founder Larry Flynt intend to ask Congress for a financial bailout. And I thought they liked it when things were rough.

Flynt believes that a porn bailout is crucial to raising the nation’s morale, explaining, “People are too depressed to be sexually active.”

Thus far, no member of Congress has orally responded to the proposition, leaving it unclear whether the U.S. government could even supply the requested amount – a staggering $5 billion – all in single dollar bills. I suppose anything’s worth a money shot.